12/12/12

Well its that magical day of 12/12/12 thought I should post something. I was just thinking on the way home tonight about what I love about the Christmas season. It's not about the presents or the gifts but the presence  of the people around me and of course Jesus Christ. All the glory goes to Him, I owe Him my life. I was thinking about this as I passed all the houses filled with lights and trees adorned in the windows. Its traditions that have passed by, that won't be amended because people are different and circumstances are different, but you know what Jesus is always the same. Which is something great to count on.

Don't lose hope, because Jesus will give you all the hope you will ever need!

Living with Shadows

Two days ago, I went to this incredible dinner put on by my church for the women. It was themed "the sweetest Christmas." The speaker was my good friend Sarah H, from church. I can only say we met by God's will only, since I don't think anything is just a coincidence. I was told she had a blog, and an almost instant friendship was sparked. But if you ask me, I think it was in God's plan all along for us to be friends. I have learned so much from her and through that Jesus.

Lately, I have been ignoring Jesus. Not that I have been doing it deliberately, but the excuses of  being tired, or simply busy, comes to mind often. Through all this Jesus has been very persistent and finally through the words of my friend, Sarah, I was able to put all the pieces together. 

I have titled this post, "Living with Shadows," because lately that's how I feel. But God tells me a whole other story. Thanks to Sarah, I was able to visualize some images that God has been trying to portray a message for me. So I have been seeing the word "shadows" everywhere. I was originally thinking it was because of what I lacked, such as lack of friends, and lack of support. The definitions of shadow are; a dark figure or image cast on the ground or some surface by a body intercepting light, shade or comparative darkness, as in an area, shadows, darkness especially that coming after a sunset, shelter or protection, and a slight suggestion or trace. While reading through the definitions, did you not picture each description? I did.

My thoughts were wrong, I thought the shadows meant that I was supposed to be secluded, in the dark, alone. Again God shows me that is not the truth. Some days I feel when God can finally share what he is trying to get across. So like I have read in Sarah's blog postings, I imagine Jesus talking to me.

Jesus: Nicole, my child. You have it all wrong. What you are going through is not your fault...it has always been my plan for you to go through this type of season in your life. You seem to forget that when others leave, I don't. Shadows aren't bad things like most people think, for you, I want you to know that you see shadows because of the light you provide. It's not the absence or lack of something, but to remind you who is truly important in you life. 

Wow! Such truth and wisdom! I am so thankful for everything that I have learned over the past few days and weeks and yes, even months. Its hard but relying on the truth can lead to so much more greater things. God is always teaching, just have to give him more time to listen in. I may face trials and seasons of uncertainty, but God is there even in the shadows. 

Bread of Life

So I was thinking the other day about how God gives us little bits of information like little chunks of bread. He doesn't give us the whole slice of bread because that would defeat the whole learning process  and growth experience. Although some days I really want more than a little tidbit. 

As I was traveling home a few days ago, I made this realization of the feeding of the five thousand and the loaves of bread.

"Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus said, “They need not go away;you give them something to eat.” They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” And he said, “Bring them here to me.” Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children." Matthew 14.13-21 ESV

 Later when you read about the story these themes pop out how Jesus is the bread. Its not mentioned in Matthew 14, but I bet that there was some sort of teaching that went along with the meal. Another theme that is revealed is faith, pure faith. That Jesus knew that there would be enough to feed everyone. That's amazing!

As most of you know in communion Jesus also calls himself the bread. The Bible is also referred to the daily bread.

It just all clicked together, well at least for me that in that story even before people really understood Jesus, He was the provider! 

Little bits of wisdom that God gives us ultimately relates to pieces of bread relates to the body of Christ which relates to the Scriptures/Holy Bible. Maybe I will be the only one that will understand the connections God is leading me to. I am okay with that. Hopefully God will show you something interesting soon too, then you can share it with me.

Have an amazing blessed day!

The Drought

Written on July 13
Going through this drought is like the earth outside. It's dry and dead and that is how I feel inside. I want to change this feeling or do I? I'm not sure anymore. Just light it on fire, at least then something will be happening and moving. This feeling only gets cultivated if there are thoughts to provoke it. So with that logic it's my own doing for putting myself there. Letting myself be isolated.


On days like today I have a hard time seeing the truth. The truth of who actually sees me as important. I know Jesus does.


Edited on July 31st
I have been thinking about editing this and I know my feelings are different from the above statements. There is song that I recently heard, but am unable to find at this time, about how through the deserts there is joy and growth. If I find it I will post it up here. It talks about water and how the deserts aren't a bad thing, but a wonderful thing to experience.

{I found the song, it's titled, "You Revive Me." The lyrics that stood out to me were, "You revive me, you revive me Lord, and all my deserts are rivers of joy." What profound power in those lyrics...it makes me happy to see a different viewpoint put on the word, desert, and how a desert can make you feel. Love it!}


Throughout this lack of rainfall, it makes me think about how God cares for us. He provides us with what we need, shelter, food, clothing, a job. All good things to be thankful for.


I am reminded by this simple promise, that He cares for the birds of the air. Through this drought, He keeps all the birds fed, somehow. It is quite a mystery, isn't it? It gives me hope that He will take care of us too.

If you are interested in reading the passage that this true life example came from, it's in Matthew 6: 25-34.


I am still learning to give things to God and how much easier life is when we do give it to Him. 


Have a great day! :)

Following Him, Not Me

I haven't written in quite awhile. Well lots have happened, two weddings, test results, friends moved away, and God has spoken to me in all of that.


Big Lesson I am learning, change happens, and accepting the change and being patient through it is a tough process.


So God has been teaching me a lot. It's not that I haven't been listening its just I don't understand what He is trying to say until two weeks after the event.


It was June 23rd, and I got the results to my test through the mail. It was not happy news, and I was pretty upset. But later God shares with me that I wasn't relying on Him. I placed all my faith in the test because I was hoping that if I passed, I would be on my way out on my own with a new job, and a new home, and a new car. But God had different plans. A teaching moment. I need to rely on God, because he has everything planned out. But you know what? That is so hard to give Him full control.


The next hardest thing I have been going through, is that one of my best friends got married and then moved away to another state. I have never really experienced a super close friend moving away. Let me tell you, it is seriously the most emotional yet most growth I have been experiencing. The worst part is that there is hardly any communication and I am driven on talking to this person. I feel though that two weeks prior to the wedding, we communicated much less than normal, and I believe that this was God preparing me for the change that was coming. But of course I didn't see it. Not till a few weeks later and things became significantly clearer. I still don't understand what is going on, the changes that have to happen, to make us both stronger individuals. God has been teaching me patience throughout this whole situation, and He continues to give me support. I remember this conversation I had with my friend several weeks before the wedding. Something God told me through a silent conversation, that distance may become me and my friend, but she will always be my friend. I guess when I had this feeling, I didn't truly understand how hard it would be.


I am so thankful that God promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. I continue to learn that through these situations that even though He gives us friends, He is the ultimate comforter and FRIEND!!!


Through everything, I ultimately learn that I haven't been trusting Him, following Him, loving Him. Such powerful realizations that I continue to work on. I am not perfect, but I love a perfect God.


Well for now I continue to ponder the rest of what God has been teaching me and will update again soon. Thanks for reading.

Shining Like Jesus

I love God's little surprises. My week didn't start like any other. I decided to take a week off after I took my certification test for Occupational Therapy. It is a 4 hour test comprising of 2 sections, one section including 170 multiple choice questions. I now wait for the results which will be in the mail in 4 weeks.


My Monday started with a five and a half hour drive to a place called Mason, Ohio. God graced me with safety and protection the whole way down, as I saw at least 4 accidents on the side of the road. The last accident I saw was about 20 minutes from my destination and had involved 5 cars. I felt so blessed to have made it safely and with no problems. Praise Him!


Tuesday, I spent the day running errands with my cousin. We ended up going to Lebanon, Ohio to the nearest Dollar Tree. One of my all time favorite stores. I got some supplies for the people who are going to Ecuador in a few weeks. It's exciting because I have been to Ecuador before and I love helping out my church family. Then I had dinner at my Aunt's and her new husband's condo. It was a good meal and then we played games afterward.


Wednesday, I played games in the morning with my cousins and then later went out to dinner with my Uncle and cousin at Olive Garden. I love pasta. Later that night we watched a movie, called, We Bought a Zoo, with Matt Damon. I have seen it before and it was even good the second time, and I didn't get emotional this time. After the movie, everyone departed for their rooms. I started to not feel right and I really couldn't put my finger on it. Ideas and thoughts swirling through my head. Very confused. Not knowing I really needed prayer at this moment, I went to sleep.


Thursday morning I woke up feeling uneasy and strange. I texted my friend immediately asking for prayers. This is the heart of the reason of today's post. I had scheduled an advanced horseback ride in Liberty, Indiana with my cousin. I have been to this place two times before this and I have been satisfied. You know it is never about the destination, but always about the journey getting there. The reason why I had spiritual warfare the night before because Satan did not want me to have a certain conversation with my cousin. Let me tell you. I am always amazed by God's love for the people of the world, even the ones who don't want to give Him a chance. The conversation covered my music which is worship music, which led to a conversation about HIM. Makes the whole trip to Ohio worthwhile. We talked about beliefs and even how she believes in science but has an open mind. I know the big reason she has had a change of heart has to do with the reason that her boyfriend took his own life almost 3 years ago. She told me that she wasn't right in believing that there was nothing more than being left in the ground. I love this, because I know there is hope. The whole way there made my heart so happy.


Then  we arrived in Liberty, Indiana to the state park, where there is a place to ride and many trails on this state park. I requested an advance ride so I can canter and be free. They bring out my horse, and its my dream horse to own one day. He was a buckskin gelding named Spirit, named after the movie, "Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron." Overall it was the best day I have had in a long time. We ran through creeks and got our pant legs all wet. I was laughing the whole time and I love the fact that there was a smile on my face. The scenery was beautiful. God was definitely there with us. My cousin even had a nice time too. She even got her horse to canter this time around. :)


Then we arrived back in Oxford, Ohio, which is where Miami University is located and to get to the horse place, we drive right through campus. We had an early dinner at Pita Pit. I love Miami's campus because all the buildings are so uniform and it is all so regal looking. Nothing like any campus I have seen in Michigan.


Then later my other cousin decided she wanted to watch this scary movie which I opted out of. So glad I did apparently she was so scared she stayed the night instead of going home to her mom's.


Friday, I ran to the store with my cousin and ended up getting supplies for her to make my uncle a carrot cake from scratch with homemade cream cheese frosting. After that we played a game of Phase 10 and then we went mini golfing. The mini golfing was located in West Chester, Ohio and it was also a indoor monster themed course, including blacklight/glow-in-the-dark. It was so much fun. I ended up coming in two strokes below my cousin. Then the evening was filled with a memorial for Alex who ended up taking his own life three years ago. He suffered with Crohn's. This fundraiser was the third annual event and has been raising money for research for a cure. The food was good and at the end of the fundraiser was a raffle. I didn't win anything. It's not about the prize but the overall happiness of where the money goes to in the end.


Saturday, I left around 1pm and after stopping in Ann Arbor for a couple hours visiting my family, I finally arrived at home at 9pm. It was so fun. I haven't seen them in a long time. We went out to dinner in Dexter, MI. It made me think of the time I visited some friends in Pinckney a few summers ago. On the way home I saw this license plate drive past me, it said {Psalm 61}. God moment? Wouldn't doubt that for a moment.

Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint. 

Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy. 

Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah
For you, O God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name. 

Prolong the life of the king;
may his years endure to all generations!
May he be enthroned forever before God;
appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him! 

So will I ever sing praises to your name,
as I perform my vows day after day. 

Psalm 61 (ESV)

Overall I had a great week. Spent it with much reflection and in conversation with God. Hope you all had a nice week as well. :)

May Brings Growth and Flowers

May was like any month busy but was full of promise. Promise of new hope and beginnings like budding flowers.


I have had this post swirling in my head for a long time. It always takes me a long time to interpret what has been going on in my life. I thank God for being different in that way.


I learned a couple lessons this month.

1. Some messages God sends are not just for others but also can be useful for yourself.
2. There is always something to be thankful for.
3. God made the good days, but also the bad days.
4. The fact that God knows everything and holds everything in His hands.
5. Everything is done in His time.

Let me explain more.

1. Some messages God sends are not just for others but also can be useful for yourself.
1. I had this situation with a friend that started awhile ago and it came to the peak in April. I just had enough. I was done getting played. Done expecting something and getting nothing. I was always so angry. I didn't really understand why. I thought it was just how she was and that I was getting upset over the little things. Or making things seem more than what they were. In all reality I was blinded by Satan. One April afternoon I receive this message from God telling me that I should rebuke Satan from my friend and attempt to tell her what Satan was doing with her other relationships. She didn't see it. Then God tells me that the relationship between this girl and I is not supposed to be broken, because we both have qualities that are important that the other needs in their life. He told me that I am a good encourager and she is a mighty prayer warrior. So in my blindness, thinking this was meant for just her, I dropped it. I knew where our relationship stood, that this message was never going to get told. But God always has other plans. He took the time to continue to persuade this message, by not letting Satan win this battle of tearing two friends apart. I met with my friend on May 16th, 2012, and I am proud to say we are still friends.
2. There is always something to be thankful for.
1. This shouldn't be a hard lesson, but sometimes it is. It's so hard to look for the good in things. I have always been more on the negative side. Jesus pretty much has changed my outlook on life and perspective on things/situations/people around me. It's hard especially when the world is such a frustrating place to live. Thankfully God holds new hope in every new day.
3. God made the good days, but also the bad days.
1. This was such a "light bulb" moment. He doesn't just make the good days, but also the bad ones. Interpretation can differ per person too. So what makes a truly bad day? I feel this one is hard to explain, because you have to live it. You have to take the time and let Him lead you to joy. I think I listened to a sermon or a speaker on a video or something that said the choice has to be daily. It's not the day that should make you happy or joyful, it's God. Coming to this realization, has made me so joyful, but how could it not? Even the classified "bad" days can just lead to good things later. Look towards Him, maybe in that moment He wants you to learn something. 
4. The fact that God knows everything and holds everything in His hands
1. He is the all-knowing and powerful Creator. The mere thought that He already knows what I am going to write before I write it. He knows everything and has a plan for every step we take. How amazing is that? Every situation I went through in May, He knew the outcome. I just can't explain how amazed and awed I feel at this moment. There are no real words to describe this feeling. It's like I want to explain it, but the words come out blank and I just stand there speechless. Have you ever been there? Just amazed by His glory? It is such an amazing feeling.
5. Everything is done in His time.
1. Its amazing to know that we have no control over what happens in the world. A good example of this, is that the time and day of the meeting I was supposed to have with my friend kept changing. She tried texting me a week before the actual meeting, but I never received any texts. Just proves to you that God had other plans for us. On the night when we met, my dog died, and I know in my heart that God had a reason for everything that happened that day. He knew that if things happened differently and if my friendship had ended, the loss of my dog, would have put me over the edge. God is a merciful God and he was able to mend a friendship and put that person in my life to help me with a difficult time.

May was such a good month. So much to learn and so much growth. Stepping in His footsteps and leaving Satan crying in the corner. God is so much bigger than what we give Him credit for. I love HIM so much!

I am so thankful for everything and blessed to be His child.

April Showers

It has been a long time since I have posted last. A lot of things have happened since my last post on April 6th. I thought I should fill you in on some of my happenings.


April was filled with lots of surprises and I feel like I can actually write about it now. The week of April 15-21 started out pretty normal, until I learned that a friend of mine from college had a stroke and was in the hospital. Quite a shock when she was 23 years old. Crave started on Wednesday also. Crave is an event on campus that students from a fellowship I am a part of. The students read through the Bible starting on Wednesday night and read through till the end of the Bible till whenever they finish on Saturday. I turned 26 on April 19th 2012. Then I was given some hard news that my friend was called back to be with the Lord early Thursday morning, at the young age of 23. It was sad and it was hard to move on and celebrate my birth. I have learned this one thing is that God is merciful and He doesn't want us to be sad for long. I cried that night. That following Monday and Tuesday was her visitation and funeral. Not saying her death was a good thing, but it brought lots of nice surprises. I was able to reconnect with some friends from Kalamazoo. I was able to laugh and I even made some new friends. God always has a plan for everything.


The 15th also has a big significance in that God sent me a message which I was confused about because I thought it was supposed to be for a friend, and not for me. The message was simple that we were both being played by the devil and that we weren't meant to lose each other as friends. Little did I know how much those words were meant for me too. 


Sometimes it clicks in an instance and its awesome to see the puzzle pieces form to view a picture. How God communicates with us...isn't it simply amazing?


So this was an interesting end to the month of April, but God always has the best in mind even if it means a bumpy road along the way.

Far Away Places

Books...I just love books.


What do I love the most? I love that it takes me to places I have never been. It removes me from my current situation and places me into a place of adventure. It brings me to a place of solace, a place where I can fully relax. 


The next thing I love about books is being sucked in, or swept off my feet, depending on the type of story. The latest series that has captured my interest is The Hunger Games. If you haven't read them, you should. It is an interesting story line. I am in the last book and each book has contained its own twists and turns. Its like the feeling of being on a roller coaster for me, the adrenaline and the rush of the excitement.


The other book I recently stumbled upon was called, The Tale of Three Trees. It is such an inspiring and encouraging story. Its about three trees who dream of being something greater. Greater to the extent of being used for the glory of God. I loved this twenty cent find at a local surplus store. There is an inscription in the front that describes that this book has been handed down from parents to children, retold in churches at Christmas and Easter, and even set to music and sung. How cool that I find this book on Good Friday, two days before Easter! Read it, when I did it gave me chills. 


It releases the pain. I can't explain it. But I also think God is giving me the opportunity to release the hurts by letting me escape my world into another.


Books not only bring you to far away places, but they can teach you and help you grow to become a better person. A good book exampling growth is the Bible. It is filled with stories on love, sacrifices, and adventure. Stories you can learn something in every age. I have read other books that God has given me. One in particular called The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. It opened my eyes and unlocked something in my brain. I knew I was always different. My mom thought I would grow out of it and become more outgoing. But God showed me I was different for a reason. I analyze things differently and  have really good observational skills. I am not always outgoing but that book equipped me with some skills that help me to be outgoing and extroverted when I need to be.


Books are good. I love books and the above reasons are why I love books. I am so thankful that God inspired so many people with words to entertain people's minds, especially mine.

Drifting

As I drift off to sleep last night I find several images come into view. These thoughts cross my mind.


Let me set the scene...


I am sitting on a flat mountain top enjoying the view. Then I stand up to feel the wind in my hair. I'm half way to the edge and the view is the most beautiful scene I have ever seen. Blue skies and red rock as far as the eye can see, and I can feel the sun heating my skin. Now imagine this, God is on one side talking to me persuading me to go away from the ledge and on the other side Satan is trying his best to talk me to get closer to the edge. I can not visually see these two spirits, but can feel them battling for my soul. 


Sunday night as I was returning home from life group I had an encounter. It was the kind of encounter not of God and I started to proclaim the name of Jesus in my car. Praying and declaring that Satan had no authority over me and anything in my mind. For me to recognize this attack, takes a lot because Satan is good at being camouflaged.


The past few days I have taken a lighter approach to battle the demons, which I find has not been a good idea. The thing that I can't seem to abolish are the images that start off innocent but develop into something much worse. It's astounding to how Satan can influence our thoughts and take over one instance and change it to something one-hundred and eighty degrees different.The images are graphic and will get no more explanation than that. 


Other than that, I want to touch on some happier notes. Today I drove to Kalamazoo, to visit friends, but one in particular who was visiting from Japan. I hadn't seen her in two-plus years. It was good to catch up and have a mini reunion with friends from the past. I had a good time with some new people and even took a small adventure. I have missed my friends. As stated in an earlier post, it is hard to be transitioning out of old relationships and into new ones. Sometimes new relationships do not come and then where does it leave the person. It leaves them waiting and searching for new beginnings.


There is so much that I know, but can't help it to fall in the same circle of repeating hurts. Today I hear myself say the same words over again. I feel stuck. I know that I will be okay. God is with me always, even when Satan is spreading lies. 


If you are where I am, I encourage you to talk to someone who knows Christ. He is the only one that can fill the void and love you unconditionally. I know I am drifting in and out but it only takes one person to redirect my thoughts, and life back on my true love, Jesus. He is my redeemer, protector, and warrior of my battles with Satan.


I hope whomever reads this stays encouraged. You are not alone. There are others out there that struggle just like you do. Stay encouraged and don't give in to the lies. May God be with you in your battles against the evil one.

Becoming Unglued

So today didn't go as planned. But the last few days haven't been seeming to go the way I see them when I first wake up. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with, is seeming to become unglued. I get this mental picture of a sculpture or statue breaking apart and not having the right glue or enough glue to put me back together. I wish I didn't feel this way.


Lately, I seem to be disappointing everyone, even myself. That is such a hard thing to swallow. I may be letting down myself and others, makes me so sad and angry. I feel like I don't make the right choices and that might just be Satan chipping away at my exterior telling me lies. When I realize it, I start picking up the pieces and gluing them back on.


More about today, and the past few days. I have been trying to stay so strong for myself and others. I want to scream. I get angry and upset. Things I can't control and I am hurt. I wonder if its my fault that friends have pulled away, or lied or manipulated others. What did I do? 


Today I was very sassy. Possibly this could be because I haven't seen this one friend in a long time, where we have actually spent time together besides skyping or talking on the phone. What she doesn't know about today is that I was fighting back tears all day. I was upset about the last few days and about a situation that occurred at home. I find myself rehashing the situation in my head, thinking about it continuously, wondering how I could have reacted differently. I find letting things go difficult.


Lately, to stay strong is my only defense. I can't tell people what is really going on. That I got yelled at yesterday or how I truly feel at odds with myself. Going back and forth, and back and forth, trying to get the end that seems less complicated. You want to know what is worse? The self-hate and self-doubt. I know this is Satan telling me lies, but its easier to go downstream than upstream. I am tired of fighting. The thoughts are back and recurring some days. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine something better. A rainbow, hanging out with my best friend, a really good dream, a good outcome for the future, and anything that makes me happy and removes me from the current situation. The other thing that is hard to admit is that I have been neglecting myself. Been listening to more lies, of which Satan has happily provided about body image and nutrition. 


The one thing in my life right now that seems to be taking up lots of room in my head is the situation with one of my friends. I can not fathom what is going on. I don't even know. One minute she is talking to me the next she is not. I can't even grasp this concept. It hurts me to no end. In one of my last posts, I thought God had given me this as an opportunity to evaluate this friendship and figure out what step to take next. But I am still left with questions.


This thought came into my head today about being glued and running out of glue. I asked myself this question, what holds you together? It surely isn't glue. Well, possibly the glue made from God. He keeps me together. I simply forget to rely on Him. The other things I know that keep me in one piece are my friends. Without them I would be a complete mess. They always help me turn my eyes back on God, encourage me, and pray for me. 


So for the past few days I have been turning to this song, by Newsboys titled, "God's Not Dead." It talks about how God is living on the inside and roaring like a lion. I stop on these lines and how it says God is roaring like a lion. This resonates with me because I wonder to myself if I have been feeding the lion or neglecting it. I have noticed I seem to be neglecting to put on my armor, so I am hypothesizing that the lion has also been receiving some neglect. 


Tonight I urgently and earnestly pray to God that he will take my life and hold it in his hands. I know he can feel my tired body and wants me to seek his will and let go of all the hurts. Tonight I give up what is hurting me tonight, the self-doubt, the self-hate, the image and act of self-harm, the lies, the control and anything else that has been holding me from His grace this week. I am worthy to receive His love, peace, and mercy. God I don't want to be the controller of the glue. You have the masterpiece in mind and can work much swifter from the dual perspective of inside and outside of the work itself. Please continue to speak words of love over me. Calm this timid spirit inside of me. Give me opportunities for peace, self-growth and confidence.


Signed as always,
Nicole

Words Hurt

"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

Have you ever heard that saying? I wonder who ever first said it because they were wrong. Words do hurt. 


Question: What hurts about your words?
Answers: The tone, how you say it, and the overall message your words form.


It is even how you say something that can hurt someone too. I know people say things that they don't mean. Sometimes the truth can come out harsher than what the person actually means to say it. 


Tone is also important because the tone sets the overall attitude of the conversation. That is why sometimes in text messages, emails or chat messages, people can read what you are trying to say in the wrong way. There is no inflection and way to hear how someone is actually conveying the message. 


I started this post because a few weeks ago, my mom and I were in a conversation and overall without saying it, stated that a dress wouldn't look good on me because I had a belly bulge. In other words, without coming out and saying it, that I was fat. I know that's not what she meant to say or even without saying it, but it hurt my feelings. 


Imagine this, squeeze some toothpaste out on your toothbrush and then try and put it back in the tube. Its impossible, right? Truth. The same thing is with our words. Once you say something, you can't take it back. You can't put the words back in your mouth any more than you can squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube.


I hate to admit it, but I have this bear that lives inside me and it only comes out when I get truly upset or backed into a corner. It's hard to keep it under control and sometimes it gets unleashed at not great times in my life. Sometimes I feel that God shows me under stress and times that I have trouble keeping my cool that he shows me that he is in control. I think it is funny that I think that I am the zookeeper of the bear, but I am wrong. It is God. He keeps me calm and peaceful. He feeds my bear and takes care of it, so it doesn't want to jump out in rage. I now realize the times that the bear "escapes," is when I am not relying on God and trusting in Him to take care of the situation.


Advice:

1. Don't be a crocodile! What do crocodiles do? They snap. So if you want to have a good conversation, don't be a crocodile. My friends and I have made up this saying if we start to get sassy too much, "Croc-it-down!" 
2. Watch your tone.
3. Watch for hidden messages. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
4. Don't let the beast out.
5. In times of trouble, rely on God, He always has the best words to say.
6. When searching for the right words, turn to the Bible.

To all who read this, 

I pray that you don't get hurt by the words people say. I pray that you find hope in the Bible and encouragement by trusting and relying on God. Be careful what you say, and how you say it, you may be hurting someone with your words. Take my advice, and I will have to do so also. It could save someone from hurt feelings.

Signed,

Nicole

Tears and Rainbows

Its been raining a few days this week and God has provided us with his eternal promise of a rainbow afterwards. I sometimes wonder after I cry and am sad for a few days, if there is a promise like a rainbow that would keep my mind from having emotional "floods."


God is so great. There once was a great flood. Noah built an ark and the rain lasted for 40 days and it covered the whole earth. He then after the flood gave us a promise of a rainbow that he would never flood the earth again. I want that promise with my life.


Today is day 23 of my fasting for Lent and it is getting so hard. I want everything that I can't have, facebook, candy, slushies, cookies, and chocolate. I just want to give up on everything. Studying isn't going very well. I am stressed out and overwhelmed.


I guess what my real fear is that I will fail, and it will all be for nothing. 


Tonight, I went to see my friends at His House. I had missed the meeting but I definitely surprised them by walking in the door. I punched my friend in the shoulder and she thought it was the boy standing in line behind her. It was kind of funny. I don't know how I felt about going back. It was so overwhelming being there, but it was better than being home. 


Other than feeling emotional, overwhelmed and stressed, I have been feeling the thoughts of being unworthy and not beautiful. I wish I could change this like the simple beauty of a rainbow that covers the sky after a spring time rain.


Sometimes riding out the pain will bring something beautiful. I am just waiting for the rainbow. I know God will always bring the best lesson out of this week I have been having. As always I am very thankful for my friends who keep me smiling and laughing. 


Dear Jesus and fellow friends,
Thank you for being there and keeping me strong. I appreciate it.
Signed,
Nicole

Get Up Times 3

Get up, Get up, Get up!! You are beautiful and smart and awesome and you can do this!! God obviously has something awesome planned for you today if Satan's trying to steal your energy and motivation. Squish him to the ground and get up! :D


This was sent from my best friend encouraging me to get up one morning. Because Satan has me under his power and I need to take it back and give it to God. I would rather God be influencing me than Satan, wouldn't you too?


I am an encourager, but sometimes I need to be encouraged too. God is so wonderful because He gives us the people we need in our life in that moment. I am so thankful for that. 


That is all I really wanted to say today. Hope you stay encouraged and squish Satan because God is way bigger than him any day.

To lose my life?

So after leaving my friend's house Tuesday, this thought popped into my head, what if I lost my life tonight? I don't know if that meant actually literally losing my life or if it meant just spiritually losing it. I wish I knew what God was trying to tell me.


Its past the middle of the week, and to say the least this week has been trying. I am so tired of not having any respect. I don't want to scrap the whole week because I haven't experienced Thursday, Friday or the weekend yet.


I am tired of fighting and tired of losing. Tired of standing up for what is right, only to get knocked back down. I am tired of promises being broken and words being said with no real intentions behind it.

Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it. 

Luke 17:33 

I am still wrestling with what this verse means.


So I slept on it, and this is what God told me last night. Maybe what I am tired of is what I have to get rid of. Maybe that's what losing myself means? Maybe it means that I have to let God be the one to fight and be the one that wins. He can stand up for me and He won't get knocked down. He is strong. He doesn't make promises, He can't keep. Proof is in the rainbow. :) 


I didn't want this post to be about dying but renewing my faith in him. 


I WANT TO LOSE MY LIFE! 


Because nothing is better than realizing that God has your back no matter what. People lie, cheat and steal. People hurt us. Do you see God doing that? The answer is no, because He is perfect.


Isn't God always great? He knows just what to say. He knows how to calm the troubled heart and loves me when I am feeling hurt and betrayed. Sometimes I imagine Him holding me close with my head on his chest and his arms wrapped around me. The place of comfort. That is where I want to be. Always.

Follow Me!

What do you first think of when you hear those words? Let me tell you I have been giving it a lot of thought. As a church we are going through this series, called “Not a Fan.” It’s been getting me thinking.

This verse came into mind, Luke 9:23, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” This verse was spoken by Jesus, to complete followers, not fans. One day I heard, “why are you denying me instead of yourself?” “You have this whole concept wrong.”

That was God given truth I needed to swallow. But also this question was brought up in life group on Sunday, if Jesus was standing in front of you right now at this very moment, and said, “Will you follow me?” I know the answer would be yes. The decision would be easy. I wouldn’t be one of the three examples he gives, like let me bury the dead or say goodbye. I don’t feel like there is anything holding me back. I believe the first excuse of burying the dead is a cop-out, because why would you give that chance to be with the One that loves you. I really don’t think they knew what they were saying. If Jesus was just another man, or friend, I could understand them saying that. But Jesus isn’t just another person; He is the Savior of the world.

I don’t feel like I have a solid relationship with my parents, so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. I don’t need to bury the dead. I would gladly go. I currently have no job, but I know Jesus will provide. I am not tied down.

I can’t explain it, but I feel so much at peace. I know I am not fully surrendered, but I am working on being committed. God is so good and I know I am learning so much. Even in these past few weeks I have gained new wisdom from God.  That comes from being still and spending more time at His feet. I am very grateful to have this break and to continue loving God without distractions.

Is there anything holding you back? What would you say? Would you go and follow Jesus?

You know my answer, now I want to know yours.

Disconnected...

Some thoughts on giving facebook up till Easter and it hasn't even been two weeks of being disconnected. Lessons I should have learned before now, but God has finally shed some light on. How when you aren't on facebook in awhile, a couple things happen, 1: you aren't told what is going on (it's just assumed you know), 2: most of who you thought were your friends stop talking to you. If you aren't on facebook, its like you are dead to the world. I guess that's cool. Even people who I regarded as "best" friends, won't call or text, or return calls or texts.


I don't know if God is giving me this opportunity to examine my friendships, but it kinda seems that way, besides the point of spending more time with Him. It just makes me thing why I have certain friends if they can't communicate with me. 


Satan lately has been filling my head with these thoughts and its hard not to listen when truly some friends won't make that extra step towards communicating with me outside of facebook. The thoughts are as follows; 1: "You take too much energy to be friends with." Meaning: I'm too high maintenance to be someones friend. 2: "Can't you see that no one loves you; their actions prove enough." There are others but its hard to put into words.


I feel number one a lot, because I put in a lot of effort to be someones friend, but I don't see the effort in theirs. The hardest thing right now is deciding who to invest in or keep my investments in, and possibly pulling some investments out. I know with prayer God will give me the answers.


I am getting to the point where I am tired being the only one that tries, or feeling like I am. I am only speaking for myself and not the other person here, (obviously I can't read minds.) I am tired of calling and texting and getting nothing in reply. It is very frustrating. I am even giving up the opportunity to take cheap plane tickets and go anywhere on the east coast, well I possibly may use them to go to Florida, but plans aren't definite. I am not putting my hope in that. 


That's the other wisdom that God has showed me. I put so much hope and excitement into the possible interactions with my friends. I see in most situations it leads to much disappointment and sadness. Why would I put myself through this time and time again? Because I am the kind of person who tries to forgive in hopes that one day the other person will value our friendship as much as I do. I am trying to lean on God's truth and ask for strength because being rejected is a hard emotion to swallow. Now I know I can never know how Jesus felt exactly with being rejected by so many people he was trying to reach, but now I have somewhat of an idea. It hurts, and is not a pleasant experience.


Today I received an email from a friend and inside she talked about friends and included this forward. 

Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How can I get along with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me.
 With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.
 I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me.
 My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than myself, who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for each other.
 Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our wellbeing. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.
 I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F!
 In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, and pray for each other in the tough moments.

I thought it was very fitting for this post. I thank God for the friends He has given me and I am thankful for the opportunity to have the distinction of which ones are weeds and the others beautiful flowers. God made all and I am thankful for both types of friends. But if the master Gardener says its time to "weed", then as his servant gardener, then I will listen and obey.

Platypus Day!!!!

Happy Platypus Day everyone!


So I know God has plans and we may not always know them, but there is a reason none the less. My God is good.


I made plans with a friend to ride to East Lansing on the train to come for a visit. But the train was delayed. It was delayed for over two hours, and then I heard a knock on the door and was surprised to find my friend on the other side of the door. I was like, "Hello Friend!" 


My day consisted of eating one pancake, because we made exactly two. I prayed aloud for the food, and it was amazing. I am very thankful that God gave me the words to say. Then we hopped into the car to go to the earliest matinee and saw the Lorax. It was good, surprisingly musical. The theater was also filled with crying, little children, and no, I am not describing my friend. Haha :)


First I want to say I was so proud of my choices today. No popcorn or sweets. I even said no to pop at the movie theater. In case I was hungry I brought some nuts to snack on. I can't believe it has only been a week and I feel cut off from the world, and hungry all the time. 


Then my friend and I flew over to the Bird house and had homemade pizza, with homemade crust. We also played games, which were really fun. I have never played Fluxx before. Its interesting and the rules change every round. Another game I haven't played before was called Bezzerwizzer. It's a trivia game, which I found out I do really bad on.  Then we played a tantalizing round of Apples to Apples.


After the games we went to Jo-Ann's Fabrics. That was not as fun as the games, I was really tired and just wanted to go back and rest. 


Then we had dinner at Qdoba's. It was amazing. I love that kind of Mexican food. My friend had never seen Kung Fu Panda or Kung Fu Panda 2, so we watched them. She laughed and I was happy too.


It snowed, and not the kind of snow where it doesn't stick. Michigan's weather is so unbelievable sometimes.


If you are wondering, why I told you all this. I will tell you because God blessed me with this friend that loves me despite everything that went awry with our plans. God always had a Plan B. We had a fun time and we laughed and had God moments. 


To end this I will say, God always has the best in mind for us. How do I know you ask? I have been feeling down, and God brought me laughter and friends today. He gave me 2-3 hours of stimulation through games. He gave me an entertaining night of panda-monium. He gave me snow. He gave me peace and a quiet house to praise and worship Him. 

Howling Good Time

It's February 29th 2012!  Woot!


This morning was incredible, must say that. I howled with my dog, Luke. It was epic! I love having that little moment with my dog. I will post a video to show his great talents. It also helped this morning that some sirens were off in the background and my dog doesn't like the noise, most likely due to the frequency. So I howled and then he did.

I love my dog. He is the best dog ever. Even in his old age, he is the most lovable dog. He now has arthritis in his left shoulder and no longer uses that leg to walk or run, or for stability. I love the fact that I can walk into the room and he will not only wag his tail but thump it loudly. For that I love him. 

You ask what's the point? I will tell you. Seven to eight years ago this month, I lost my very first best friend/dog, his name was Andrew. After Andrew died, I was terribly sad and God blessed me with Luke 3 weeks later. I needed a new friend and so did he. We are a good team and made our worlds whole again.

Also after Luke and I's moment, I got ready for the day and then left for church. Like every Wednesday, I enjoy spending time being the hands and feet of Jesus. The tasks vary but every week I look forward to going in and talking with the staff at the church and having mini adventures. My favorite part is learning more about the church's inner workings and sometimes I even get to have my own office sometimes.

After spending a few hours there, I went over to my friends. I had brought my lunch today. One chicken salad sandwich with mustard and a few vegetable crackers. I love spending time with this friend, because she always helps me put things in perspective. Most of the time I leave smiling. Today, I was on a time constraint, because I had to get back and take Luke to the vet. Don't worry, he is fine. He had to have a blood test in order to refill his pain medication. 

As a surprise, I took him to see my dad, who hasn't seen him in about a year. A lot has changed and he was surprised to see Luke's condition with his leg.

You may see a story about a girl and her dog. I see a story about how much God loves me that he gave me the best friend I needed to carry me through thick and thin, and back again. I am so blessed to have God in my life, along with Luke. 

I hope everyone has had a glorious Leap year day. Next one is in 4 years. Next year we should party it up! Thank you God for this awesome day and I pray for all my friends reading this that they will be encouraged and blessed by this message. 

My God is Awesome!

First I want to fill you in some things from this week. Wednesday, February the 22nd, began the first day of Lent. After much praying and being still with God, He showed me that I need to learn something this 40 days. Even though Lent is a catholic observance, I choose to observe it because I want to grow more in my faith with Jesus. So I set off on my journey with some limitations in my diet, which includes no beef or pork, no unhealthy snacks, no desserts, and limiting my caffeine intake to either one 20 oz or (2) 12 oz bottles. Also as I was pondering these decisions, I heard God speak to me. He told me that I was spending too much time on facebook. I was giving facebook more face time than I was spending with Him. I agreed and chose to spend the next 40 days being at the feet of Jesus instead of wasting my time on facebook.


I say the first few days of giving something up is always hard. The past few days have been a real eye opener and it was interesting to figure out what I can and can't eat. I hope this journey proves to be a really interesting one and that I learn a lot about Jesus and myself.


Let's catch up to today. Today is Saturday the 25th of February. I woke up this morning with a song on my heart, which inspired the title of this post. The song is called, "Awesome God" by Hillsong. Its an amazing song.  If you have never heard of it, you should look it up, right now. :)


Today I was given the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus at an event called Food Drop. It's an event sponsored by the church of greater Lansing which provides a food box for families in need all over the mid-Michigan area. This year there were 3,080 families served and around 1000 volunteers. There was a rally before we departed Holt High School and part of my church's band played a few songs. It was an amazing time to be with all those people praising God. I got caught up by looking around at everyone as they sang. I saw this one woman dancing as she was worshiping. I saw children singing, and older adults there as well. It was just a sight to be seen and so many people there all in one place. As a part of Northpointe Community Church, I rode with my two friends, K.C. and Forrest and then later met up with Allie and we delivered 3 food boxes in St. Johns. It was an interesting trip and an adventure I will remember being with my friends for always.


So I call today a good day. I stopped by Panera and picked up some bagels for young adult group tomorrow. I met up with my dad and shared with him the day's events and then we went to Meijer's and picked up the rest of the healthy snacks for tomorrow night. I am pretty excited. Next to the worship band, fellowship with my friends is one of my favorite things to do. I am so happy that I am starting to be more still and can hear more of God's voice than Satan's. What a relief that is. Well I have to finish my devotions and reading God's word. I am learning so much already. I am currently reading Acts and Isaiah. I read a chapter a day in both books. I look forward to reading more and more about my Father. :)

"Holes"

While watching a few episodes of “The Mentalist” tonight, this thought revisited my head, of how lucky and grateful I am to know Jesus. This thought came into my head and it’s been swirling around for a while now. I decided to share what’s been swirling. Read on if you are interested.

First I am so grateful for Jesus. Not saying my life was hard before we met, but it wasn’t a walk in the park either. I guess this post is about my past, but also about what Jesus brought me out of. Let me tell you what I remember, first let me start with this little story.

Monday night of this week I had dinner at my mom’s house and we were taking a walk down memory lane. I was talking to her about some discussion questions that came up at my young adult group that past night. The main question I discussed was, “who helped you with your walk with Jesus?” At group I was at loss for words with this question, first everyone had answers, like my parents, or my mom, or my dad, but my answers didn’t stem from any of those. Yes, I had a different start to my walk with Jesus. It began in college at WMU and I was introduced to a man named Ben, through one of my Japanese friends that lived down the hall from me. My mom continued to talk about how interactions and such helped point me in the right direction.

But the point of this is, even now as I go back and search my memory, things are missing and I can never fully put the whole puzzle together. Now I don’t know if I am simply blocking something out or I can’t recall all of the information to put the pieces together. You would think that a person like me who thinks a lot would remember the small details. I mean I remember when a friend says they hate clowns or when they don’t like cottage cheese. It doesn’t make sense that I can’t recall the few details of my past, especially things that would seem to be so important to me.

There are other things too. No cause for alarm. God has me in such a peace right now, it’s hard to describe what I am about to say. Another question arose, a while back about anything in your past that has hurt you or anything that is a “hurt” in your life. I believe this question came up from the women’s retreat I went to in the beginning of February. Again I say this, that I cannot recall an exact time of being hurt. I know I have “hurts,” as we all do. Satan still tries to hold them over me. I cannot try and have you begin to understand what I am about to say, but I am at peace with my past. I don’t remember an exact time where I feel certain pains or hurts. Mostly for the reason I just can’t remember.  A possible reason for this is that I believe God is leading me to let go of those “hurts.” (Insider information: that was a truth God just shared with me in this moment.)

Don't get me wrong, I have many hurts and pains in my past, and I will not share them yet. In every instance, even though in some I was not walking with Jesus daily, I still have reason to praise Him for protecting me and loving me. 

God has protected me well from certain things that dredge up bad memories. He always makes me feel safe. I try to always rest in that truth of his protection and security.

When I first started this post with the title, “Holes” meaning I have spaces in my memory that I can’t remember. Once I thought how scary that I can’t recall certain facts and stories, but now I am praising God for His unfailing love for me. The truth is that it isn’t scary at all, because the Father allowed me to release those “hurts,” so He can comfort me and allow Him to draw nearer to me.

Some days I still feel lost and confused, but know that my Father is with me just waiting for me to call out and He will be there to reassure me. So the “holes” are no longer a real burden in my life because I know Jesus will piece things together when I need to see them. 

Father, I Cry Out

Its the first day off the fast and I can't explain how I feel. I definitely don't feel like myself. Today I hibernated all day. I stayed in my pajamas and only getting out of bed to refresh the internet and go to the bathroom. I know its a little insane. A lot happened this weekend and I was exhausted. I did eat so don't be worrying about that. 


Today my thoughts raced on my desires. How can I have such a moving weekend, filled with God and people that love and care about me, but then have a day that removes my energy and is just overall discouraging? How can I have desires that are not good? How can I desire these things? It doesn't make sense. Not at all.


Reflection after the fast, well I am stuck. Not sure what to think really. I took a shower this evening and just let the water pour over me. Its like I am numb. I have felt this way before. It is kind of debilitating. I don't do anything. 


Here I am. Then all of a sudden I start crying and I don't know why. I hear this song turn on in my head, coincidence? I think not. It was one lyric from the song, "We Cry Out," by Jesus Culture. My dreams have been especially weird lately, and I will not go into it here, but they aren't Godly. All I know is I have been crying out to God in them.

So many things that I just don't understand. Things that I may never understand. I push on. I push forward. I strive for something unknown to me. Some days its so scary, because I have no idea what lies ahead. That's when I have to tell myself that God is there and knows best. Trust in Him, Nicole. It's okay. You can be safe in His arms.


Lord,
I praise you for this day. I pray that you continue to pour Yourself out on me. I pray that You continue to help me work through this mess. Father, I cry out to you. Please continue to hold me. I am scared. I pray that you weave my dreams tonight as sleep will come soon. I pray that you continue to be with my friends and I pray for their health as everyone seems to be getting sick. I pray all these things in your name.


Amen.

Hope Again

Day 21:


WOW! What a weekend! God is so faithful!


There is so much that happened that I don't think I have time to explain it all. There were five main parts of the weekend.

1. The Main Sessions
2. Workshops
3. Worship
4. Small Groups 
5. Free Time/ Fun Time

To make it easier on myself because I still have yet to process everything God has introduced me to this weekend I will touch a little bit on all of the five things.

1. The Main Sessions: Oh my gosh! They were so good. The main speaker was Lee North, with Susie O'Berski on Saturday night. After hearing them both speak, I feel like a different person. Friday night, the topic was "Finding hope in a hopeless place." Lee talked about first how when we normally introduce ourselves we keep a lot hidden and we have 3 lists. The first list is what we normally say like our age, where we are from, what we are studying, simple stuff that doesn't get too deep into us. The second list is about what people might not know about us, like going a bit deeper, some things I put on that list was that I am introvert and my living situation. The third list is really intimate, goes into the depth of our souls. Its the list that shows our hurts or our deepest desires and its most often the list that nobody knows except your closest friends. Hebrews 6.19 was referenced, "We have this as a sure steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain." Then Saturday morning, the topic was about "Finding Hope in God's word," Lee talked about many bible verses that referenced hope. My personal favorite is Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." She talked about how to meditate on God's word and why it is so important. Saturday evenings main session was brought by Susie, and the topic was "Jesus: Our Hope." The one thing that stood out from what she taught was the demonstration of putting on the armor of God. It also encouraged me when she says she does it daily. I think I should start doing it too. Today's message from Lee was about "Sharing our hope story." Let me tell you it was super good and the main points were to keep it short and sweet.
2. Workshops: We have 8 choices and can only choose 2. Such a hard choice to narrow it down. I chose to go to "Choices" led by Susie O'Berski. It was definitely God led me to that one. Now I realize why it was so important to come this weekend. So many good choices to make every day. Good reminder to make good choices so that God is glorified. The second one I went to was "A Man's Perspective on Proverbs 31 Woman" led by Pete Elenbaas. It was very interesting and yes it was written from a mother to her son. She was mainly stating that her son was doing things that were un-noble like and needed to clean up his act and he was screwing around with women that weren't right for him. So his mother told her son what a noble woman looked like hence Proverbs 31.10-31.
3. Worship: One of my favorite times of the whole retreat and well its just plain my favorite all the time. This was especially interesting since it was an all women's retreat and there were just 5-7 guys there in the whole place. So the singing was awesome, even though some people say it was high pitchy, I didn't notice it. If you stopped singing and just listened, it was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard. Other than worship, communion and offering were different. I like that women do things differently. God did make us that way. Communion was cool because instead of just taking the bread and juice, a sister had to present it to us and give us the cup and the bread. I loved that part. Offering was different too, if we had something to give we could, but then if you didn't have money, you could offer yourself to God as an offering.
4. Small Groups: This was just a great time that we could share as a campus, since there was only 8 of us from MSU, we were only one small group. Jessie led and it was great. A lot of the questions were either based off of the workshops or main sessions. They were good openers for great discussions and prayer.
5. Free Time/Fun Time: Well mine was pretty uneventful, I took a nap, being sick and an introvert leads to a less desirable time to just be by myself a lot of the time. I also had a ton of headaches this weekend. There were some crafts and activities going on throughout Saturday night, it was called the "Slumberless Party." However I didn't partake in the night, I was going on my fourth headache of the day and just wanted to submerge my self away. I went back to the cabin, took a shower, turned off the lights and read the Bible with a book light. I believe part of my headaches stemmed from the lights. I did enjoy being by myself and in the dark, but most of all I know I wasn't alone, because my Father was with me, caring for me, loving on me, and sharing my pain.

The last pieces of advice I have is this, there is hope. Hope in God, and hope with your sisters (or brothers). Look for the encouragement and stay in the light. But God will always be with you in the darkness too, guiding your steps and making your paths straight.

Some tips to gain the hope you desire:

1. Anchor your life in Christ
2. Tell someone
3. Find a life/prayer team

I am glad to be working on these three things throughout my journey with Christ. Also as Lee spoke about having a life/prayer team, and God showed me that I already have some really good people that fulfill those roles. I am so blessed. If you are reading this and you know who you are, first, God loves you, and thanks so much for being a blessing in my life.

Lord,

Thank you for this weekend! You knew I needed to go this weekend and used everyone to convince me to do so. Sorry it took me a while to get on board. You always know what is best. I praise you for modern medicine and the ability to heal my headache. Even in the storm I will praise you. I can never stop praising you for the continued blessings for my friends. They bring laughter and joy and encouragement. I thank you for that, so much. After this weekend, I want to lessen the control I have over my "hurts" and give them to you. I love that you hold me when I am in pain, sad, or just need a friend. Thank you for all the many lessons this weekend that I still have yet to reflect on. I also pray that you continue to encourage and teach my friends the lessons from this weekend. I also pray that you continue to work your healing on me as I have a cold and for my friends health as well. I pray all these things in your name.

Amen.

Breaking Down the Walls

Day 20:


One morning I woke up with this inspiration of breaking down the walls that is holding me back, from a better relationship with Jesus. Yes I think long and hard about things, a lot. I can't help it. It is the way I was wired. Over these past few weeks God has been showing me things in my life and some of the reasons why I am not as close as I can be to him as I could be.


One of those reasons is that I build walls. Walls can be good and bad. They can keep things out, but also keep things in. They can keep things safe and they can protect, but they can also prevent growth. I have been trying to learn when walls are useful and when they are not. I want to be protected, but I also want to be with God. I have to learn that God is also my protector, and using walls with Him prevents Him from doing His job.


I want to add a story from the Bible, about Joshua and the walls of Jericho.

Now Jericho was shut up inside and outside because of the people of Israel. None went out, and none came in. And the LORD said to Joshua, “See, I have given Jericho into your hand, with its king and mighty men of valor. You shall march around the city, all the men of war going around the city once. Thus shall you do for six days. Seven priests shall bear seven trumpets of rams' horns before the ark. On the seventh day you shall march around the city seven times, and the priests shall blow the trumpets. And when they make a long blast with the ram's horn, when you hear the sound of the trumpet, then all the people shall shout with a great shout, and the wall of the city will fall down flat, and the people shall go up, everyone straight before him.” So Joshua the son of Nun called the priests and said to them, “Take up the ark of the covenant and let seven priests bear seven trumpets of rams' horns before the ark of the LORD.” And he said to the people, “Go forward. March around the city and let the armed men pass on before the ark of the LORD.”

  And just as Joshua had commanded the people, the seven priests bearing the seven trumpets of rams' horns before the LORD went forward, blowing the trumpets, with the ark of the covenant of the LORD following them. The armed men were walking before the priests who were blowing the trumpets, and the rear guard was walking after the ark, while the trumpets blew continually. But Joshua commanded the people, “You shall not shout or make your voice heard, neither shall any word go out of your mouth, until the day I tell you to shout. Then you shall shout.” So he caused the ark of the LORD to circle the city, going about it once. And they came into the camp and spent the night in the camp.
   Then Joshua rose early in the morning, and the priests took up the ark of the LORD. And the seven priests bearing the seven trumpets of rams' horns before the ark of the LORD walked on, and they blew the trumpets continually. And the armed men were walking before them, and the rear guard was walking after the ark of the LORD, while the trumpets blew continually. And the second day they marched around the city once, and returned into the camp. So they did for six days.
   On the seventh day they rose early, at the dawn of day, and marched around the city in the same manner seven times. It was only on that day that they marched around the city seven times. And at the seventh time, when the priests had blown the trumpets, Joshua said to the people, “Shout, for the LORD has given you the city. And the city and all that is within it shall be devoted to the LORD for destruction. Only Rahab the prostitute and all who are with her in her house shall live, because she hid the messengers whom we sent. But you, keep yourselves from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it. But all silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the LORD; they shall go into the treasury of the LORD.” So the people shouted, and the trumpets were blown. As soon as the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted a great shout, and the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight before him, and they captured the city.

 Joshua 6.1-20 (ESV)

 If the Lord can tell Joshua how to tear down the walls of Jericho by marching and playing instruments, I believe He will do the same for me. To Him be the glory. I am still working on breaking down the walls and making it easier to have a better relationship with Jesus. I believe it is easier to break down the walls when you stop fighting God's arms and embrace His truth, love and mercy for us. Even this past week, I obeyed the voice of God and just look at where I am now.


Lord,
I praise you for this day. I praise you for your protection and that my walls don't need to be put up. I am so happy that you are in my life. Please continue to strip my walls away like you had Joseph tear the walls of Jericho down. I love that you continue to shower me with grace, truth and mercy. I pray for my friends this weekend as they are going to renew their hope for God. I am so excited for them. I pray all these things in your name.


Amen.

Not Enough? Think Again

Day 19:


Have you felt the pressures of feeling like you aren't good enough? Have those "enough" questions been racing through your head?


Enemy says:                             God says:
You aren't good enough.          You are good enough.
You don't belong.                     You belong with me in the Kingdom.
You don't fit in.                        You fit in because you are my child.
You aren't worth it.                  You are worth it because I love you.
You should give up.                 Keep persevering, you are needed 


                                                 for the harvest.
You aren't strong enough.        I am made strong in your weakness, 


                                                 giving you power.
You can't do this.                    All things are possible through me.


These are some examples of lies that we hear everyday as Christians, but do you see that God always has an answer to defeat what the enemy says. The enemy talks a lot of crap, don't listen. He is just a liar who thinks he is cool. Isn't that powerful alone just knowing that God is with us always? Fighting our battles, and protecting us from the enemy always. Through Him all things are possible and He is the creator of the Universe, which made us, and knows our every thought.


Isn't it great to know that he cares for us? That he knows every hair on our head and that we are worth more than a sparrow. I love that my friends can bring me back to these truths, yet I can also thank God for giving them the light to direct me out of the dark.


I always enjoy this video and watch it when I forget about how much God cares for me, or when I feel the darkness creeping in. Watch it below.

God is so amazing. I believe He has fought for me like in the video shows a time or two. Makes me smile just thinking about it.


Lord,
I praise you for this day. I praise you for giving me friends that shine your light on your truth. It is so helpful to distinguish between truth and lies when you bless me with great friends. I pray that you continue to shine your light in my life. Help guide my path and keep me from listening to the lies. You are great and powerful, help me to remind myself of this truth daily. I pray for my friends that they stay encouraged and protected from the enemy's lies. I pray all these things in your name.


Amen.