"Holes"

While watching a few episodes of “The Mentalist” tonight, this thought revisited my head, of how lucky and grateful I am to know Jesus. This thought came into my head and it’s been swirling around for a while now. I decided to share what’s been swirling. Read on if you are interested.

First I am so grateful for Jesus. Not saying my life was hard before we met, but it wasn’t a walk in the park either. I guess this post is about my past, but also about what Jesus brought me out of. Let me tell you what I remember, first let me start with this little story.

Monday night of this week I had dinner at my mom’s house and we were taking a walk down memory lane. I was talking to her about some discussion questions that came up at my young adult group that past night. The main question I discussed was, “who helped you with your walk with Jesus?” At group I was at loss for words with this question, first everyone had answers, like my parents, or my mom, or my dad, but my answers didn’t stem from any of those. Yes, I had a different start to my walk with Jesus. It began in college at WMU and I was introduced to a man named Ben, through one of my Japanese friends that lived down the hall from me. My mom continued to talk about how interactions and such helped point me in the right direction.

But the point of this is, even now as I go back and search my memory, things are missing and I can never fully put the whole puzzle together. Now I don’t know if I am simply blocking something out or I can’t recall all of the information to put the pieces together. You would think that a person like me who thinks a lot would remember the small details. I mean I remember when a friend says they hate clowns or when they don’t like cottage cheese. It doesn’t make sense that I can’t recall the few details of my past, especially things that would seem to be so important to me.

There are other things too. No cause for alarm. God has me in such a peace right now, it’s hard to describe what I am about to say. Another question arose, a while back about anything in your past that has hurt you or anything that is a “hurt” in your life. I believe this question came up from the women’s retreat I went to in the beginning of February. Again I say this, that I cannot recall an exact time of being hurt. I know I have “hurts,” as we all do. Satan still tries to hold them over me. I cannot try and have you begin to understand what I am about to say, but I am at peace with my past. I don’t remember an exact time where I feel certain pains or hurts. Mostly for the reason I just can’t remember.  A possible reason for this is that I believe God is leading me to let go of those “hurts.” (Insider information: that was a truth God just shared with me in this moment.)

Don't get me wrong, I have many hurts and pains in my past, and I will not share them yet. In every instance, even though in some I was not walking with Jesus daily, I still have reason to praise Him for protecting me and loving me. 

God has protected me well from certain things that dredge up bad memories. He always makes me feel safe. I try to always rest in that truth of his protection and security.

When I first started this post with the title, “Holes” meaning I have spaces in my memory that I can’t remember. Once I thought how scary that I can’t recall certain facts and stories, but now I am praising God for His unfailing love for me. The truth is that it isn’t scary at all, because the Father allowed me to release those “hurts,” so He can comfort me and allow Him to draw nearer to me.

Some days I still feel lost and confused, but know that my Father is with me just waiting for me to call out and He will be there to reassure me. So the “holes” are no longer a real burden in my life because I know Jesus will piece things together when I need to see them.