Becoming Unglued

So today didn't go as planned. But the last few days haven't been seeming to go the way I see them when I first wake up. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with, is seeming to become unglued. I get this mental picture of a sculpture or statue breaking apart and not having the right glue or enough glue to put me back together. I wish I didn't feel this way.


Lately, I seem to be disappointing everyone, even myself. That is such a hard thing to swallow. I may be letting down myself and others, makes me so sad and angry. I feel like I don't make the right choices and that might just be Satan chipping away at my exterior telling me lies. When I realize it, I start picking up the pieces and gluing them back on.


More about today, and the past few days. I have been trying to stay so strong for myself and others. I want to scream. I get angry and upset. Things I can't control and I am hurt. I wonder if its my fault that friends have pulled away, or lied or manipulated others. What did I do? 


Today I was very sassy. Possibly this could be because I haven't seen this one friend in a long time, where we have actually spent time together besides skyping or talking on the phone. What she doesn't know about today is that I was fighting back tears all day. I was upset about the last few days and about a situation that occurred at home. I find myself rehashing the situation in my head, thinking about it continuously, wondering how I could have reacted differently. I find letting things go difficult.


Lately, to stay strong is my only defense. I can't tell people what is really going on. That I got yelled at yesterday or how I truly feel at odds with myself. Going back and forth, and back and forth, trying to get the end that seems less complicated. You want to know what is worse? The self-hate and self-doubt. I know this is Satan telling me lies, but its easier to go downstream than upstream. I am tired of fighting. The thoughts are back and recurring some days. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine something better. A rainbow, hanging out with my best friend, a really good dream, a good outcome for the future, and anything that makes me happy and removes me from the current situation. The other thing that is hard to admit is that I have been neglecting myself. Been listening to more lies, of which Satan has happily provided about body image and nutrition. 


The one thing in my life right now that seems to be taking up lots of room in my head is the situation with one of my friends. I can not fathom what is going on. I don't even know. One minute she is talking to me the next she is not. I can't even grasp this concept. It hurts me to no end. In one of my last posts, I thought God had given me this as an opportunity to evaluate this friendship and figure out what step to take next. But I am still left with questions.


This thought came into my head today about being glued and running out of glue. I asked myself this question, what holds you together? It surely isn't glue. Well, possibly the glue made from God. He keeps me together. I simply forget to rely on Him. The other things I know that keep me in one piece are my friends. Without them I would be a complete mess. They always help me turn my eyes back on God, encourage me, and pray for me. 


So for the past few days I have been turning to this song, by Newsboys titled, "God's Not Dead." It talks about how God is living on the inside and roaring like a lion. I stop on these lines and how it says God is roaring like a lion. This resonates with me because I wonder to myself if I have been feeding the lion or neglecting it. I have noticed I seem to be neglecting to put on my armor, so I am hypothesizing that the lion has also been receiving some neglect. 


Tonight I urgently and earnestly pray to God that he will take my life and hold it in his hands. I know he can feel my tired body and wants me to seek his will and let go of all the hurts. Tonight I give up what is hurting me tonight, the self-doubt, the self-hate, the image and act of self-harm, the lies, the control and anything else that has been holding me from His grace this week. I am worthy to receive His love, peace, and mercy. God I don't want to be the controller of the glue. You have the masterpiece in mind and can work much swifter from the dual perspective of inside and outside of the work itself. Please continue to speak words of love over me. Calm this timid spirit inside of me. Give me opportunities for peace, self-growth and confidence.


Signed as always,
Nicole