Shining Like Jesus

I love God's little surprises. My week didn't start like any other. I decided to take a week off after I took my certification test for Occupational Therapy. It is a 4 hour test comprising of 2 sections, one section including 170 multiple choice questions. I now wait for the results which will be in the mail in 4 weeks.


My Monday started with a five and a half hour drive to a place called Mason, Ohio. God graced me with safety and protection the whole way down, as I saw at least 4 accidents on the side of the road. The last accident I saw was about 20 minutes from my destination and had involved 5 cars. I felt so blessed to have made it safely and with no problems. Praise Him!


Tuesday, I spent the day running errands with my cousin. We ended up going to Lebanon, Ohio to the nearest Dollar Tree. One of my all time favorite stores. I got some supplies for the people who are going to Ecuador in a few weeks. It's exciting because I have been to Ecuador before and I love helping out my church family. Then I had dinner at my Aunt's and her new husband's condo. It was a good meal and then we played games afterward.


Wednesday, I played games in the morning with my cousins and then later went out to dinner with my Uncle and cousin at Olive Garden. I love pasta. Later that night we watched a movie, called, We Bought a Zoo, with Matt Damon. I have seen it before and it was even good the second time, and I didn't get emotional this time. After the movie, everyone departed for their rooms. I started to not feel right and I really couldn't put my finger on it. Ideas and thoughts swirling through my head. Very confused. Not knowing I really needed prayer at this moment, I went to sleep.


Thursday morning I woke up feeling uneasy and strange. I texted my friend immediately asking for prayers. This is the heart of the reason of today's post. I had scheduled an advanced horseback ride in Liberty, Indiana with my cousin. I have been to this place two times before this and I have been satisfied. You know it is never about the destination, but always about the journey getting there. The reason why I had spiritual warfare the night before because Satan did not want me to have a certain conversation with my cousin. Let me tell you. I am always amazed by God's love for the people of the world, even the ones who don't want to give Him a chance. The conversation covered my music which is worship music, which led to a conversation about HIM. Makes the whole trip to Ohio worthwhile. We talked about beliefs and even how she believes in science but has an open mind. I know the big reason she has had a change of heart has to do with the reason that her boyfriend took his own life almost 3 years ago. She told me that she wasn't right in believing that there was nothing more than being left in the ground. I love this, because I know there is hope. The whole way there made my heart so happy.


Then  we arrived in Liberty, Indiana to the state park, where there is a place to ride and many trails on this state park. I requested an advance ride so I can canter and be free. They bring out my horse, and its my dream horse to own one day. He was a buckskin gelding named Spirit, named after the movie, "Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron." Overall it was the best day I have had in a long time. We ran through creeks and got our pant legs all wet. I was laughing the whole time and I love the fact that there was a smile on my face. The scenery was beautiful. God was definitely there with us. My cousin even had a nice time too. She even got her horse to canter this time around. :)


Then we arrived back in Oxford, Ohio, which is where Miami University is located and to get to the horse place, we drive right through campus. We had an early dinner at Pita Pit. I love Miami's campus because all the buildings are so uniform and it is all so regal looking. Nothing like any campus I have seen in Michigan.


Then later my other cousin decided she wanted to watch this scary movie which I opted out of. So glad I did apparently she was so scared she stayed the night instead of going home to her mom's.


Friday, I ran to the store with my cousin and ended up getting supplies for her to make my uncle a carrot cake from scratch with homemade cream cheese frosting. After that we played a game of Phase 10 and then we went mini golfing. The mini golfing was located in West Chester, Ohio and it was also a indoor monster themed course, including blacklight/glow-in-the-dark. It was so much fun. I ended up coming in two strokes below my cousin. Then the evening was filled with a memorial for Alex who ended up taking his own life three years ago. He suffered with Crohn's. This fundraiser was the third annual event and has been raising money for research for a cure. The food was good and at the end of the fundraiser was a raffle. I didn't win anything. It's not about the prize but the overall happiness of where the money goes to in the end.


Saturday, I left around 1pm and after stopping in Ann Arbor for a couple hours visiting my family, I finally arrived at home at 9pm. It was so fun. I haven't seen them in a long time. We went out to dinner in Dexter, MI. It made me think of the time I visited some friends in Pinckney a few summers ago. On the way home I saw this license plate drive past me, it said {Psalm 61}. God moment? Wouldn't doubt that for a moment.

Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint. 

Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy. 

Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah
For you, O God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name. 

Prolong the life of the king;
may his years endure to all generations!
May he be enthroned forever before God;
appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him! 

So will I ever sing praises to your name,
as I perform my vows day after day. 

Psalm 61 (ESV)

Overall I had a great week. Spent it with much reflection and in conversation with God. Hope you all had a nice week as well. :)

May Brings Growth and Flowers

May was like any month busy but was full of promise. Promise of new hope and beginnings like budding flowers.


I have had this post swirling in my head for a long time. It always takes me a long time to interpret what has been going on in my life. I thank God for being different in that way.


I learned a couple lessons this month.

1. Some messages God sends are not just for others but also can be useful for yourself.
2. There is always something to be thankful for.
3. God made the good days, but also the bad days.
4. The fact that God knows everything and holds everything in His hands.
5. Everything is done in His time.

Let me explain more.

1. Some messages God sends are not just for others but also can be useful for yourself.
1. I had this situation with a friend that started awhile ago and it came to the peak in April. I just had enough. I was done getting played. Done expecting something and getting nothing. I was always so angry. I didn't really understand why. I thought it was just how she was and that I was getting upset over the little things. Or making things seem more than what they were. In all reality I was blinded by Satan. One April afternoon I receive this message from God telling me that I should rebuke Satan from my friend and attempt to tell her what Satan was doing with her other relationships. She didn't see it. Then God tells me that the relationship between this girl and I is not supposed to be broken, because we both have qualities that are important that the other needs in their life. He told me that I am a good encourager and she is a mighty prayer warrior. So in my blindness, thinking this was meant for just her, I dropped it. I knew where our relationship stood, that this message was never going to get told. But God always has other plans. He took the time to continue to persuade this message, by not letting Satan win this battle of tearing two friends apart. I met with my friend on May 16th, 2012, and I am proud to say we are still friends.
2. There is always something to be thankful for.
1. This shouldn't be a hard lesson, but sometimes it is. It's so hard to look for the good in things. I have always been more on the negative side. Jesus pretty much has changed my outlook on life and perspective on things/situations/people around me. It's hard especially when the world is such a frustrating place to live. Thankfully God holds new hope in every new day.
3. God made the good days, but also the bad days.
1. This was such a "light bulb" moment. He doesn't just make the good days, but also the bad ones. Interpretation can differ per person too. So what makes a truly bad day? I feel this one is hard to explain, because you have to live it. You have to take the time and let Him lead you to joy. I think I listened to a sermon or a speaker on a video or something that said the choice has to be daily. It's not the day that should make you happy or joyful, it's God. Coming to this realization, has made me so joyful, but how could it not? Even the classified "bad" days can just lead to good things later. Look towards Him, maybe in that moment He wants you to learn something. 
4. The fact that God knows everything and holds everything in His hands
1. He is the all-knowing and powerful Creator. The mere thought that He already knows what I am going to write before I write it. He knows everything and has a plan for every step we take. How amazing is that? Every situation I went through in May, He knew the outcome. I just can't explain how amazed and awed I feel at this moment. There are no real words to describe this feeling. It's like I want to explain it, but the words come out blank and I just stand there speechless. Have you ever been there? Just amazed by His glory? It is such an amazing feeling.
5. Everything is done in His time.
1. Its amazing to know that we have no control over what happens in the world. A good example of this, is that the time and day of the meeting I was supposed to have with my friend kept changing. She tried texting me a week before the actual meeting, but I never received any texts. Just proves to you that God had other plans for us. On the night when we met, my dog died, and I know in my heart that God had a reason for everything that happened that day. He knew that if things happened differently and if my friendship had ended, the loss of my dog, would have put me over the edge. God is a merciful God and he was able to mend a friendship and put that person in my life to help me with a difficult time.

May was such a good month. So much to learn and so much growth. Stepping in His footsteps and leaving Satan crying in the corner. God is so much bigger than what we give Him credit for. I love HIM so much!

I am so thankful for everything and blessed to be His child.

April Showers

It has been a long time since I have posted last. A lot of things have happened since my last post on April 6th. I thought I should fill you in on some of my happenings.


April was filled with lots of surprises and I feel like I can actually write about it now. The week of April 15-21 started out pretty normal, until I learned that a friend of mine from college had a stroke and was in the hospital. Quite a shock when she was 23 years old. Crave started on Wednesday also. Crave is an event on campus that students from a fellowship I am a part of. The students read through the Bible starting on Wednesday night and read through till the end of the Bible till whenever they finish on Saturday. I turned 26 on April 19th 2012. Then I was given some hard news that my friend was called back to be with the Lord early Thursday morning, at the young age of 23. It was sad and it was hard to move on and celebrate my birth. I have learned this one thing is that God is merciful and He doesn't want us to be sad for long. I cried that night. That following Monday and Tuesday was her visitation and funeral. Not saying her death was a good thing, but it brought lots of nice surprises. I was able to reconnect with some friends from Kalamazoo. I was able to laugh and I even made some new friends. God always has a plan for everything.


The 15th also has a big significance in that God sent me a message which I was confused about because I thought it was supposed to be for a friend, and not for me. The message was simple that we were both being played by the devil and that we weren't meant to lose each other as friends. Little did I know how much those words were meant for me too. 


Sometimes it clicks in an instance and its awesome to see the puzzle pieces form to view a picture. How God communicates with us...isn't it simply amazing?


So this was an interesting end to the month of April, but God always has the best in mind even if it means a bumpy road along the way.

Far Away Places

Books...I just love books.


What do I love the most? I love that it takes me to places I have never been. It removes me from my current situation and places me into a place of adventure. It brings me to a place of solace, a place where I can fully relax. 


The next thing I love about books is being sucked in, or swept off my feet, depending on the type of story. The latest series that has captured my interest is The Hunger Games. If you haven't read them, you should. It is an interesting story line. I am in the last book and each book has contained its own twists and turns. Its like the feeling of being on a roller coaster for me, the adrenaline and the rush of the excitement.


The other book I recently stumbled upon was called, The Tale of Three Trees. It is such an inspiring and encouraging story. Its about three trees who dream of being something greater. Greater to the extent of being used for the glory of God. I loved this twenty cent find at a local surplus store. There is an inscription in the front that describes that this book has been handed down from parents to children, retold in churches at Christmas and Easter, and even set to music and sung. How cool that I find this book on Good Friday, two days before Easter! Read it, when I did it gave me chills. 


It releases the pain. I can't explain it. But I also think God is giving me the opportunity to release the hurts by letting me escape my world into another.


Books not only bring you to far away places, but they can teach you and help you grow to become a better person. A good book exampling growth is the Bible. It is filled with stories on love, sacrifices, and adventure. Stories you can learn something in every age. I have read other books that God has given me. One in particular called The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. It opened my eyes and unlocked something in my brain. I knew I was always different. My mom thought I would grow out of it and become more outgoing. But God showed me I was different for a reason. I analyze things differently and  have really good observational skills. I am not always outgoing but that book equipped me with some skills that help me to be outgoing and extroverted when I need to be.


Books are good. I love books and the above reasons are why I love books. I am so thankful that God inspired so many people with words to entertain people's minds, especially mine.

Drifting

As I drift off to sleep last night I find several images come into view. These thoughts cross my mind.


Let me set the scene...


I am sitting on a flat mountain top enjoying the view. Then I stand up to feel the wind in my hair. I'm half way to the edge and the view is the most beautiful scene I have ever seen. Blue skies and red rock as far as the eye can see, and I can feel the sun heating my skin. Now imagine this, God is on one side talking to me persuading me to go away from the ledge and on the other side Satan is trying his best to talk me to get closer to the edge. I can not visually see these two spirits, but can feel them battling for my soul. 


Sunday night as I was returning home from life group I had an encounter. It was the kind of encounter not of God and I started to proclaim the name of Jesus in my car. Praying and declaring that Satan had no authority over me and anything in my mind. For me to recognize this attack, takes a lot because Satan is good at being camouflaged.


The past few days I have taken a lighter approach to battle the demons, which I find has not been a good idea. The thing that I can't seem to abolish are the images that start off innocent but develop into something much worse. It's astounding to how Satan can influence our thoughts and take over one instance and change it to something one-hundred and eighty degrees different.The images are graphic and will get no more explanation than that. 


Other than that, I want to touch on some happier notes. Today I drove to Kalamazoo, to visit friends, but one in particular who was visiting from Japan. I hadn't seen her in two-plus years. It was good to catch up and have a mini reunion with friends from the past. I had a good time with some new people and even took a small adventure. I have missed my friends. As stated in an earlier post, it is hard to be transitioning out of old relationships and into new ones. Sometimes new relationships do not come and then where does it leave the person. It leaves them waiting and searching for new beginnings.


There is so much that I know, but can't help it to fall in the same circle of repeating hurts. Today I hear myself say the same words over again. I feel stuck. I know that I will be okay. God is with me always, even when Satan is spreading lies. 


If you are where I am, I encourage you to talk to someone who knows Christ. He is the only one that can fill the void and love you unconditionally. I know I am drifting in and out but it only takes one person to redirect my thoughts, and life back on my true love, Jesus. He is my redeemer, protector, and warrior of my battles with Satan.


I hope whomever reads this stays encouraged. You are not alone. There are others out there that struggle just like you do. Stay encouraged and don't give in to the lies. May God be with you in your battles against the evil one.

Becoming Unglued

So today didn't go as planned. But the last few days haven't been seeming to go the way I see them when I first wake up. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with, is seeming to become unglued. I get this mental picture of a sculpture or statue breaking apart and not having the right glue or enough glue to put me back together. I wish I didn't feel this way.


Lately, I seem to be disappointing everyone, even myself. That is such a hard thing to swallow. I may be letting down myself and others, makes me so sad and angry. I feel like I don't make the right choices and that might just be Satan chipping away at my exterior telling me lies. When I realize it, I start picking up the pieces and gluing them back on.


More about today, and the past few days. I have been trying to stay so strong for myself and others. I want to scream. I get angry and upset. Things I can't control and I am hurt. I wonder if its my fault that friends have pulled away, or lied or manipulated others. What did I do? 


Today I was very sassy. Possibly this could be because I haven't seen this one friend in a long time, where we have actually spent time together besides skyping or talking on the phone. What she doesn't know about today is that I was fighting back tears all day. I was upset about the last few days and about a situation that occurred at home. I find myself rehashing the situation in my head, thinking about it continuously, wondering how I could have reacted differently. I find letting things go difficult.


Lately, to stay strong is my only defense. I can't tell people what is really going on. That I got yelled at yesterday or how I truly feel at odds with myself. Going back and forth, and back and forth, trying to get the end that seems less complicated. You want to know what is worse? The self-hate and self-doubt. I know this is Satan telling me lies, but its easier to go downstream than upstream. I am tired of fighting. The thoughts are back and recurring some days. I sometimes close my eyes and imagine something better. A rainbow, hanging out with my best friend, a really good dream, a good outcome for the future, and anything that makes me happy and removes me from the current situation. The other thing that is hard to admit is that I have been neglecting myself. Been listening to more lies, of which Satan has happily provided about body image and nutrition. 


The one thing in my life right now that seems to be taking up lots of room in my head is the situation with one of my friends. I can not fathom what is going on. I don't even know. One minute she is talking to me the next she is not. I can't even grasp this concept. It hurts me to no end. In one of my last posts, I thought God had given me this as an opportunity to evaluate this friendship and figure out what step to take next. But I am still left with questions.


This thought came into my head today about being glued and running out of glue. I asked myself this question, what holds you together? It surely isn't glue. Well, possibly the glue made from God. He keeps me together. I simply forget to rely on Him. The other things I know that keep me in one piece are my friends. Without them I would be a complete mess. They always help me turn my eyes back on God, encourage me, and pray for me. 


So for the past few days I have been turning to this song, by Newsboys titled, "God's Not Dead." It talks about how God is living on the inside and roaring like a lion. I stop on these lines and how it says God is roaring like a lion. This resonates with me because I wonder to myself if I have been feeding the lion or neglecting it. I have noticed I seem to be neglecting to put on my armor, so I am hypothesizing that the lion has also been receiving some neglect. 


Tonight I urgently and earnestly pray to God that he will take my life and hold it in his hands. I know he can feel my tired body and wants me to seek his will and let go of all the hurts. Tonight I give up what is hurting me tonight, the self-doubt, the self-hate, the image and act of self-harm, the lies, the control and anything else that has been holding me from His grace this week. I am worthy to receive His love, peace, and mercy. God I don't want to be the controller of the glue. You have the masterpiece in mind and can work much swifter from the dual perspective of inside and outside of the work itself. Please continue to speak words of love over me. Calm this timid spirit inside of me. Give me opportunities for peace, self-growth and confidence.


Signed as always,
Nicole

Words Hurt

"Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

Have you ever heard that saying? I wonder who ever first said it because they were wrong. Words do hurt. 


Question: What hurts about your words?
Answers: The tone, how you say it, and the overall message your words form.


It is even how you say something that can hurt someone too. I know people say things that they don't mean. Sometimes the truth can come out harsher than what the person actually means to say it. 


Tone is also important because the tone sets the overall attitude of the conversation. That is why sometimes in text messages, emails or chat messages, people can read what you are trying to say in the wrong way. There is no inflection and way to hear how someone is actually conveying the message. 


I started this post because a few weeks ago, my mom and I were in a conversation and overall without saying it, stated that a dress wouldn't look good on me because I had a belly bulge. In other words, without coming out and saying it, that I was fat. I know that's not what she meant to say or even without saying it, but it hurt my feelings. 


Imagine this, squeeze some toothpaste out on your toothbrush and then try and put it back in the tube. Its impossible, right? Truth. The same thing is with our words. Once you say something, you can't take it back. You can't put the words back in your mouth any more than you can squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube.


I hate to admit it, but I have this bear that lives inside me and it only comes out when I get truly upset or backed into a corner. It's hard to keep it under control and sometimes it gets unleashed at not great times in my life. Sometimes I feel that God shows me under stress and times that I have trouble keeping my cool that he shows me that he is in control. I think it is funny that I think that I am the zookeeper of the bear, but I am wrong. It is God. He keeps me calm and peaceful. He feeds my bear and takes care of it, so it doesn't want to jump out in rage. I now realize the times that the bear "escapes," is when I am not relying on God and trusting in Him to take care of the situation.


Advice:

1. Don't be a crocodile! What do crocodiles do? They snap. So if you want to have a good conversation, don't be a crocodile. My friends and I have made up this saying if we start to get sassy too much, "Croc-it-down!" 
2. Watch your tone.
3. Watch for hidden messages. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
4. Don't let the beast out.
5. In times of trouble, rely on God, He always has the best words to say.
6. When searching for the right words, turn to the Bible.

To all who read this, 

I pray that you don't get hurt by the words people say. I pray that you find hope in the Bible and encouragement by trusting and relying on God. Be careful what you say, and how you say it, you may be hurting someone with your words. Take my advice, and I will have to do so also. It could save someone from hurt feelings.

Signed,

Nicole