I recently came upon this story of a young man named Zach Sobiech. He is a 18 year old who was diagnosed with osteosarcoma at the age of 14. After multiple surgeries and chemotherapy, it was found that the cancer had spread to his lungs and pelvis. He passed away on 5/20/13. What I think is so cool about his story, is that he left a legacy behind. He was loved by so many. I, however didn't know him, but was moved by his story and his music.
To watch his story.
It got me thinking. I want to leave a legacy, but for me I know it will be different. I want to live out the path God has for me. I have been seeing a different side of myself that God has clearly opened up to me. Background if you haven't read my previous posts, I am an introvert. I have been given the opportunity to lead a small group at my church, which if you know introverts at all is such a thing that is way out of their comfort zone. But its almost that I thrive for that atmosphere. Yes, there are things that I am not good at like sometimes speaking up or leading a good discussion. But the way I see it is that it is a learning process. God has me there for a reason. A reason to make him known and for others to know him. One day I was told by God to not give up, because we are supposed to make disciples, not go and find already made disciples. Such a humbling truth.
Right now I feel stuck. I am frustrated, and mainly discouraged. This isn't how I should be living. God has so much better for me. I can feel him near. I am at a loss of what to do. I am getting discouraged by my small group. It was canceled last week from the lack of people attending. I hate saying this, but I have no hope. I feel that this is just what the group will be. I talked to someone who is a leader who oversees all the small groups. He did give me some options. But this is what stuck out, and I praise God for this insight. When you feel like there is no other option or you have no idea what to do, I totally believe that God sends you someone to help spark something inside to help open your field of vision. He said that maybe the frustration and discouragement is from a place that God wants me to learn something. It's a weird spot to be in. I don't hate it, but it's also not an enjoyable feeling. After attending Life Link class at church, I am trying to resolve to not and attempt to move forward until I realize what God wants me to know and learn. I hope the lesson gets revealed soon. Here is one of my favorite songs from Zach Sobiech and Sammy Brown called, "Fix Me Up."
This song is an inspiration to me. Hope it gives you a smile or even a message from God. As always, keep the faith!
I have been thinking about what God thinks of me. I can feel myself holding back or doing a little dance so to speak. I wonder if sometimes God is trying to coax us into getting us to the spot he wants us to be in. In my last post I talk about holding tight onto something, and needing to let go. That dance such as He wants us to take that one step, but instead we go every which way except the way he wants us to go. Like it is some big rebellion. With each step I go a different way and not that spot he wants. Why is it so hard to follow? If we just went the way he had planned in the first place, we wouldn't go through all the pain and hardships. Some pain just comes with following, and I look forward to some tribulations as what the disciples went through. But I believe some hold back in fear of what may come next. I do. For example, I have been out of school for 2 years. I feel I have nothing to show for it. Yes I got my Master's degree, but without passing the boards for my certification, it really means nothing more than a piece of paper. I have really been wrestling with some decisions lately. I have realized I still struggle with anxiety. Thankfully it is not as bad as it has been in the past. I attack myself. What are the causes? I think of my friends who struggle with other things like eating disorders or because of a crappy childhood they have issues into adulthood. Life is hard. I just think about how we are perceived by others. Just because people look happy on the outside doesn't mean there is work needed to be done on the inside. The main cause I can think of is Fear! This is a recurring theme. Fear...it is debilitating. A life changer. A path destroyer. An enemy. All of these things and more. I confess I have fear. I don't turn to God like I should. My feet are planted in the ground, and I run away. It makes me sad to think about this, because of how fear can manipulate. It manipulates us into a different way of thinking. A thinking far from God. It places space between Him and us. I have been thinking that God wants more from us, more from me. I have been holding back, because I have been scared. I don't want to fail again. For me failure is a giant stumbling block for me. Instead I make excuses and in that sabotage myself for a happier life or even a better career. It is not as easy as you think. Prayer can help. Having a good support system helps too. But the real transformation happens when you confess what is going on in your life, first to God and then if you are still struggling to a close trusted friend. Stop dancing and start walking in the truth and the light. You will be happier you did. I am at least turned into the right spot now. As always, keep the faith. Love mercy and walk humbly with God.
I have been having some imagery from God of not letting go, but actually holding tight. I have heard 3 different accounts of people who have had circumstances where they were putting things before God. In some ways, it could be him punishing them and not letting them have what they want until the object of their affection was moved to its rightful position...on God. This makes me think. I have been putting finding someone to be my husband or even date before God. I have sought out resources even by going on to some dating websites and buying books to be more patient. Patience for waiting for the right man God has picked out for me, but even being the woman I need to be first. So I have decided to put that stuff aside and work on being patient. Again. Did I mention I really hate waiting? Hate it... And I am not that good at it.... Here's to whomever God has planned for me. I'm sure all this waiting will yield something grand.
I have been learning a lot. I have been given the opportunity a month ago to take a class through my church called Life Link. It's a class that is supposed to be directed to those who have not experienced being in a life group. Yet I was given the opportunity to go. My pastor has been meeting with me about my life group and know about the difficulties I have been having. So he suggested me to this class, in hopes for me to gain some leadership or even how to communicate with my group better. One of my fears when I started the group was that I would like that group better than my actual life group of peers. But one of the reasons of this was because, we went deeper in four weeks than my other life group has gone through in 3 years. I mean there has been growth, but not intimate/authentic sharing, and just overall trust in the group. My life group has gone through lots of changes. The main theme of the group should be transitions. People leaving or just simply the growth of some individuals in the group. We may not be growing exponentially, but as God has been reminding me, "it is not about the numbers, it is about who shows up." So the purpose of this post, God works in us to work through us. What a concept! He is always preparing us to do work in others. Prime example, I have taken the boards to get licensed to become a licensed therapist, yet I have failed twice. It has been a long road and it has taken me down many avenues, which has ultimately has grown me. My friend has had a recent situation close to mine and I was able to talk to her about my experiences and help lead her to a better state of mind. Yes its frustrating, but also to still see her drive and ambition to continue on has propelled me to take a second look at myself. Where am I headed and am I happy with my current job? I don't know all the answers, yet I try and seek God for his ways. How awesome in a round about way, did God use my friend's hardships to help me look back at my own life and decisions? God sure is amazing!
